Friggin witches (and their friggin' bad breath)
by samwinchester83
Summary: Dean's POV. Whilst on a stupid witch hunt, me and my brother Sam here end up stumbling in to the fountain of youth. Yup, you heard me right. This story is basically about the weirdest week of my life. It doesn't help that my twenty seven year old brother needs a god damn pacifier and diaper.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Hasta la vista, baby**

Friggin' witches and their friggin' bad breath. I swear I can almost taste the deep fried newts that she must've eaten earlier that day. It's sick man, just sick. I resist the urge to gag, then throw a left hook punch hitting her square in the jaw, sending her sprawling. She then makes a grab for my throat but I manage to then kick her, sending her smashing through the window. Hasta la vista, baby. I guess you could say that whole no hitting women rule flew out the window.

"Man, I'm hilarious. Ya hear that Sammy? I should just give up huntin' and become a comedian." I say, smiling proudly to myself. My smile soon turns in to a frown though as I don't hear Sam making any kind of witty remark. Not even a "Whatever you say, Dean' or 'Shut up, Dean' or 'Cas makes better jokes than you, Dean'.

"Sammy?" I question, eyebrows raised slightly as I look around the empty room. Son of a bitch."Sam!?"

I storm outside in to the 'garden' (friggin' jungle if you ask me) and right smack-bang in the middle is the fountain of youth. Yup, you heard me right, the fountain of youth. Sounds kind of ominous to be honest. I bet you're asking yourself, hey, are you going to use the fountain? Ha, good one. No way josé. I'm as gorgeous and youthful enough as it is. My skin's smoother than a baby's...yeah, so not going there. Anyway, the one who really needs it is Sam, I swear to God I noticed a grey hair on that guy yesterday, I'm not even kidding. I've always suspected he was an old man in a young dude's body. A serious 'benjamin button' case you got there.

I abruptly stop mid-thought as I notice the old...well, now the young hag holding Sam's head under the fountain's water. "Son of a bitch...you let 'im go, ya hear?!" I yell before grabbing on to the back of her shirt, pulling her off of him and on to the ground. I then manage to drag Sam out of the icy water before the witch yanks me backwards by my amulet.

"Christ!" I choke as I search my jacket's pocket for my knife. Finally, I find it and spin on my heel, stabbing her clean through the neck. Her body flops on to the ground in a pool of dark blood, her lifeless eyes staring up at the night's sky. "Now that's...that's just plain nasty." I mutter under my breath, looking at the body with a look of disgust. Damn witches.

When I turn around, what I see makes my breath catch in my throat. "...Sam?" All I see is a pile of his clothes and some sort of creature...(please not a dog, please not a dog) squirming around from underneath them. I think the real question here is, if Sam's clothes are on the floor...does that mean Sam's running around buck naked?

I take a tentative step towards the pile and almost jump out of my skin as a baby tumbles out. "What the...?" What was a baby doing...oh... oh ...oh crap.

"Sammy?"

The baby looks up at me, it's lower lip trembling before he bursts in to tears. I quickly run over to Sam and pick him up, cradling him in my arms. Yeah, yeah...sappy, I know...but he's my brother, okay?

Out of habit I start to hum some Metallica as an attempt to calm him down. Funnily enough, it eventually works. When he stops crying altogether, I can't help but say "Who's a good boy? You are! Yes, you are." But let's forget that the baby talking ever happened, alright? I mean, he's technically my twenty seven year old brother. It totally didn't happen. Ahem...right, on with the story.

"Dammit, Sammy. What've ya gotten yourself in to this time?" I sigh, letting Sam's head rest on my shoulder as he drifts off in to a light sleep. He looks to be old enough to be maybe 2 years old? I groan and reach for the phone in my pocket whilst adjusting Sammy in to a more comfortable position. This was so messed up.

I dial Bobby's number, waiting for the onslaught of insults he'd be sending my way in just a few seconds.

"Hey, Bobby."

"...Dean? You two manage to finish the hunt in the end?"

"Yeah...about that..."

"What did ya two idjits do this time?"

"Well, Sam...he's kind of...how do I put this?"

"What did you do to your brother, Dean?"

"Me?! What? I didn't do anythin'. It was the friggin' witch."

"Go on."

"He's a baby."

"You called me up just to insult Sam?"

"No, he's literally a baby, Bobby!"

"..."

"Say something!"

"Is this a joke?"

"God dammit, no!"

"Balls."

"What do I do, Bobby?"

"This is way out of both of our leagues...just...just go back to your motel room, okay? Baby proof the place and look after your damn brother. I'll call ya back when I figure something out."

"Thanks, Bobby."

"Idjit."

I was about to retort with some witty comeback but by the time I'd thought of something, he'd already hung up. "Great, just great. You and your bad luck." I say, shaking my head.

Walking back to the motel room, I stop mid-step as I hear rustling behind me and spin on my heel to face whoever...whatever it was.

"Dean."

I could've recognized that voice anywhere. "Cas? Jesus, man. How many times have I told ya not to do that?!"

"I apologize Dean, it will not happen again."

"Right, well...that's okay then I guess." I reply, feeling awkward under his gaze.

Cas tilts his head and looks at Sam strangely. "What's wrong with Sam?"

"How did you know...? Never mind. Some damn witch dunked him in some magic fountain water, blah blah blah, now he's a dribbling mess."

"He doesn't appear to be dribbling."

"It's a...ugh, forget about it. I just need to get 'im back to the motel room until I can figure something out...or until Bobby does, whichever comes first."

"I'll accompany you."

"You don't need to, it's nothin' I can't handle."

"I did not say that. I just wish to accompany you to the motel room."

"...Fine. Fine. But no angel zap-"

Before I could finish my sentence, Cas had already used his angel mojo to do exactly what I didn't want him to do.

"-ping." I finished, just in time for Sam to puke all over my jacket.

Notes: That was the first chapter, woohoo! If you liked it or had any criticisms, please share them with me and comment/favourite it, whatever you like! I'd really like to know whether I should continue writing this story.


	2. Son of a bitch

_**Previously: **__"...Fine. Fine. But no angel zap-"_

_Before I could finish my sentence, Cas had already used his angel mojo to do exactly what I didn't want him to do._

_"-ping." I finished, just in time for Sam to puke all over my jacket._

**Son of a bitch**

I swear I could actually buy a damn house with all the baby supplies Sammy needs. If...when he gets turned back to normal, he's going to pay me back big time.

Now back to shopping. Right... diapers, diapers, diapers. I need diapers...I mean, Sammy needs diapers.

I walk in to the packed supermarket and eventually find the baby aisle. To be honest, I've never really had the occasion to visit it, so when I see the contents for the first time, I abruptly stop in my tracks and stare at them in shock. Is this some kind of joke? How many friggin' types of diapers do babies need? How the hell am I supposed to choose one?

I decide to grab the cheapest one and hope to hell that Sammy doesn't cry and bitch about it. They've got batman's logo on so to be fair he should find them pretty cool...for diapers that is.

Right, next on the list is...a pacifier. Okie dokie, seems easy enough. I quickly glance over all of the options until I see one that's pale blue and has 'Mute button' written on the front. Perfect. I grab it, chuckling to myself as I throw it in to the basket. This is totally pay back for Sammy puking all over my awesome jacket.

After picking out all of the baby supplies, I make my way to the clothes aisle. Oh, crap. I don't even know what age he is. He's tiny, is that even a size? I stare helplessly at the options when suddenly I feel someone tap me on the shoulder. "Huh?" I say. (Probably the most intelligent thing I've said all day). When I turn around, I notice a brunette who looks roughly my age holding a newborn in her arms. She has a little girl of about 3 standing beside her with blonde pigtails.

"Sorry, I don't mean to intrude or anything but you look kind of lost." she replies, offering him an apologetic smile.

"Oh, it's fine...you're actually kinda right. Y'see I've got this uhh...nephew who I'm looking after for the next few days and well, he needs some new clothes but I don't actually know what size he is." I lie with ease.

"I could help you out if you want?"

"You'd do that for me? Awesome, thanks. It must be my lucky day."

She laughs a little, adjusting the baby in her arms. "So, I'm guessing you don't know his age as the sizes are according to age." she points out, the corner of her lip twitching in to a smile.

"Uhh...well, n-yeah. You're right."

"Okay, well...how big is he roughly?"

I think for a moment before placing my hands in mid air, in a kind of 'Sammy shape'.

She nods knowingly. "Sounds like he's roughly 18 - 24 months." She then searches the clothes and takes out a couple that roughly match his size. "There you go, these should be fine."

I grin and take the clothes happily. One is a superman t-shirt, another is just plain blue and there's a green plaid shirt that goes with it. Definitely Sammy's style. She also gave me some socks, shoes and pants.

"Awesome! Thanks uhh...?"

"Lindsay."

"Nice t'meet ya Lindsay, name's Dean."

"Well, I'll see you around Dean."

"Yeah, see ya."

**Back at the motel**

Unlocking the door to the motel room, I step inside and shut the door behind me. Balancing the shopping bags as best I can, I dump them on to the small table by the window and glance around the room. What I see makes my mouth drop. "Son of a bitch."

Cas was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring hopelessly at me while Sam was sitting on his lap, naked and covered from head to toe in pen marks. To top it all off, he was chewing on Cas' tie.

"Your brother is incorrigible, Dean." he stated.

At that, I burst in to flat out laughter. I hadn't laughed like that in years. "That's my boy." I said, grinning from ear to ear as I picked him up. "I think you need a bath, kiddo."

"No." Sammy said, his lower lip protruding in to a pout. It was the first thing he'd said since the change. I'd been starting to wonder if he could even talk at all.

"Sorry?"

"No, no, no."

"Well, you need one Sammy."

"NO."

"Listen to your brother Sam, he knows what's best for you." Cas interrupted.

"No."

"Is that the only word y'know?" I asked with amusement.

"No."

"If you keep giving me that bitchface it's gonna get stuck like that. Anyway, seeing as I'm the eldest here...well, excluding Cas of course, the guy's ancient...that means I'm in charge and what I say goes. You're having a bath whether ya like it or not." I said, earning a glare from both the angel and my brother.

As I walk in to the bathroom with Sammy, Cas rifles through the shopping bags, inspecting everything that I'd bought. "Don't break anything, Cas!" I call out to him.

"I am not one to be clums- oh."

"What?"

"Nothing, Dean."

"You broke somethin' didn't you."

"No."

"Now don't go pullin' a Sammy on me."

"It is not broken. I just misplaced one of the wheels of the plastic car.

I sigh but the corner of my lip twitches slightly in to a smile.

"Forget about it, just be careful Cas."

"Yes, Dean."

I turn back around to look at Sam who's dribble is now dripping all over my wrist. "That's just nasty, Sammy." I comment as I place him on the floor so that I can fill up the tub with lukewarm water. However, I notice just in time that he's trying to crawl away so I quickly shut the door which earns me a small temper tantrum from Sam.

"Woah man, I thought you were supposed to like getting cleaned up. I mean you are the one who always takes 2 friggin' hours to take a god damn shower."

While the bath fills up, I sit on the lid of the toilet and place Sam on my knee. "It figures that you'd be the one to turn in to a screamin' kid."

"No."

"Jesus Sammy, don't start that again." I swear to god this guy is trying to give me a headache on purpose.

"No."

"Son of a bitch. No more no's dude! D'you even know what that word means?"

"No."

"Aww c'mon, man. Gimme a break here. You've gotta know some other words, right? Okay how about…what's my name?"

"Son'na bitch."

"…What?"

"Son'na bitch, son'na bitch!" he says, getting all happy and excited as he gives me a gap toothed smile.

"You little…CAS! Sam is swearin' at me!"

"I think that might be unintentionally your fault, Dean." He calls back from the other room.

"What? How's that my fault? He's just bein' a little bitc- Oh. Oh . But I can't help swearin' Cas, it's like one of my main personality traits."

There's no reply but I can tell that Cas is mocking me.

"Cas is a dick. Repeat after me Sammy, Cas is a…"

"Dean." I hear Cas say from next door.

"Ugh, fine. Fine, I'll try and stop swearin'. That's as good as it's gonna get." I respond, whilst plonking Sam in the shallow bath and turning off the tap.

After washing him, I realise that Sam actually did enjoy the bath (crying for nothing, typical Sammy behaviour). Next, I put him in his Batman and Robin pyjamas, then he decides to go off crawling towards Cas.

Now for the hard part…getting my hyperactive brother to go to sleep.

Notes: Thank you so much for those who commented/favourited my last chapter. It really helps motivate me to continue writing my stories, so thank you and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. 


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